Structural Bullying
I have been spectacularly unsuccessful in keeping up with my Blog. My title is a little, well, tedious but I am not going to start apologising again because;
a. I doubt anyone will believe me
AND
b. I don’t really have anything to apologise for.
As always, life has been a roller coaster for me. I am sure it is the same for most of you reading this. However, I am still not sure I can follow the well-meaning but utterly useless advice of the ‘health professionals’ I encounter who tell me I need to slow down and take time for myself although it seems they are right.
As a result of the ‘ride’ on that coaster, my body is saying, no screaming, STOP IT! It is violently agreeing with this slowing down notion, the more I ignore it. The past year has been too much for me but I am not sure how I could have made it different. And before you ask, I do reflect on this fairly regularly and try to find ways to change things.
One thing that could have made things different, not that I had much control over it, is the response of the medics I have encountered when I have reached out for help. I have been gaslighted by most of them. Yes, this is a little strong but their behaviour has seriously contributed to me being more sick than I need to be. I am done finding excuses for them. Yes, yes I know the NHS is under immense pressure, I know that many people working there are struggling themselves but whatever their reasons, however valid, I am no longer making excuses for them and I am acknowledging that this is where one of my problems has lay. Making people feel worthless is not acceptable, however much pressure you are under yourself and even if it is the untouchable NHS.
Every day I am in immense pain and no, I am not exaggerating. I have been made to feel like this agony is all in my imagination, and this has not helped. Guess what, it makes it even worse. I am not sure where I found the strength to keep going back to them for answers, but it has come from somewhere and at last, it seems I have a reason for the hurt. It seems that on top of the psoriatic arthritis (which I am told isn’t causing me any issues at the moment) and osteoarthritis in multiple joints (not painful at all eh!), I have fibromyalgia.
As I start to examine what this fibromyalgia thing is, it appears that it means that I often feel much more pain than I should. It means that the feeling that a lion is trying to rip my left leg off at the hip is coming from faulty brain connections rather than anything being actually wrong with my left buttock (or me popping into a lion’s cage regularly). It means that the ability to concentrate through the ‘fog’ (Fibro Fog I am reliably informed) is not imagined and the total feeling of fatigue and exhaustion is real. This makes it all slightly easier to deal with. At least I don’t feel like a worthless, fraud now (thank you Consultants – you did make me feel this bad).
One of the main things that affects fibromyalgia seems to be stress and that brings me back to the roller coaster. I have now been given a drug to help with the ‘nerve’ pain but which is also an anti-depressant. I am too early in taking it to know if it is going to make a significant difference but for the first time in a long while, I actually have hope. I actually feel listened to at long last. That is perhaps as good as any drug.
Although some of my stress has undoubtedly come from the response of dealing with the medics and the system they (poor devils) have to work within, it is not the only thing that has contributed. We are encouraged (often told by Government Ministers) to look after our families (I have four older adults I help care for), it is not the state’s responsibility. Maybe it isn’t but they don’t make it is easy.
Anyone who knows me personally will know that I have always been a resilient, strong person but I am afraid that bulling, gaslighting, emotional abuse, give it what title you want, has eventually made me physically ill as well as battering my mental health. Most of it stems from the structures and cultures which have been created by those at the very top of our society, however, it is always delivered on the pointy end by an individual who should know better.
It is very difficult to navigate what we can and can’t say to people now. Even I, as a former trainer of equality and diversity courses, struggle to navigate may way through the acceptable language. I do know though that whatever language I use, I should never belittle someone, make them feel worthless. What I won’t do anymore is make excuses for the behaviour of others especially when it is clearly unacceptable. It literally makes me ill to use too much empathy and this is very difficult for a serial empathist (is this a word?). People may have good reasons why they have become a narcissistic bully but my body can no longer take responsibility for their actions, whatever backstory they have.
So what conclusions can I draw from this rant.
- Bullies are misunderstood/ have issues but they are allowed to continue operating. In fact, society encourages them to behave the way they do – just look at leaders from around the world. I can’t solve this so I just need to side step them as much as possible and remain firm when I do have to face one head on.
- There is no solution to the crisis of looking after and supporting our older relatives. I need to find my own peace with what I can and can’t do.
- Listen to your body, it is the physical manifestation of your mind. If it is screaming at you, it has a reason.
- Dealing with chronic, severe pain is debilitating. The only person who really sees it is you so give yourself a break sometimes.
Remember, as Sheridan Stewart’s book tells us – ‘I have enough, I do enough, I AM ENOUGH’.
