I made a definite decision today. It feels so good. I can’t make it public just yet but I am clear in my head, and more importantly, my heart, it is what I want to do. All I will say is:
Although I have many challenges (suddenly feeling exhausted, pain etc), I feel excited about the future. I will hold on to that during the dark days of winter. I came across this from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic again today:
“Measure your worth by the dedication to your path not by your success or failures.”
I went into the independent book shop ‘Bizy Lizy Books’ (www.bizylizybooks.co.uk) on Heanor Marketplace whilst I was in town (for solicitor and Dump). Elizabeth, owner of Bizy Lizy Books, has been on a bit of journey to get where she is now and it is always inspiring to talk to others dedicated to their path.
I have had a lot of pain today. I mean a lot, even by my standards. I still did some ‘stuff’. I picked some things up from the solicitors, dropped some rags of at the ‘Dump’, popped into the supermarket and took Auntie G’s now ticking watch back to her. She was definitely happy to be reunited with it. She has an obsession with having a timepiece. Not sure why but mine is not to wonder why, in this case, it is just to make her happy.
Victoria from the Pain Clinic phoned me. It was almost like she had some kind of psychic episode to know how much I needed to hear her today. It would seem I have moderate Supraspinatus Tendinopathy in my right shoulder – ramped up to severe by the fibro brain. She is going to refer me to the physios at the hospital because the GP’s seem to be failing spectacularly in this regard. She is also going to get me an audience with one of the pain consultants that specialises in shoulders to see if I can get a steroid injection. I think I am also going to get some acupuncture on it as we go through this process. In addition, we have decided to swap one of my pain meds – the current ones are only having some effect.
Grief came to play again today. It wasn’t all consuming, so no panics. It was probably brought on by my trip to the solicitors. Mum’s affairs are now nearly done and it made me sad as I closed that door – to her affairs not the solicitor’s…quite happy to shut that door! Weirdly, or perhaps not, it is a good sad and it is good for me to acknowledge my grief rather than suppress my feelings. I can walk through it without fear if I know it is there.