I live, at the moment, between two places ‘Dementia Island’ and ‘Manufacturing Island’. I don’t know if any of you have seen the film ‘Inside Out’? If you haven’t you should. In this film we explore a child’s emotions and sometimes those of her parents. In the child’s ‘Headquarters’ the emotions are there helping the child navigate the world. Also in the brain are these other Worlds like ‘Hockey Island’, Family Island etc – A bit like when you go to a large Disney Theme park. Well I seem to be trapped between two very weird (in Disney terms) Islands – Dementia Island and our Manufacturing Company Island. There is a rickety bridge between them but it seems, only very rare visiting boats coming to take me away to any other Island in my brain.
I guess that was a long way of saying that we often get sucked into the life on a particular ‘island’ and the longer we are there, the more likely we are to forget the ‘other islands’. Just like in the film, the Long-Term Memory Train will come along and take the ‘other islands’ to the Memory Dump and you may lose them forever. When you have one or two really strong areas in your life that insist on your attention, it is all too easy to let the bridges to the other areas in your life crumble. Suddenly the island you are on at the moment becomes more like Alcatraz and the other people with you on your ‘Rock’ suddenly become like prison guards who don’t welcome the Freedom Ferry very often.
Of course, the people with you on the Island mostly don’t know they have become your prison guards but they are terrified to lose your support if you nip off anywhere else. As a result, they distract you from leaving by finding more problems for you to solve so you don’t have anytime left to even dream of the things you used to do or have always wanted to do. They don’t do this on purpose, but you need to be really strong and focused to stop being pushed of track by their distraction tactics.
Certainly in the working class, former coal mining areas (See the BBC Drama Sherwood for reference) of the East Midlands and South Yorkshire where I spend much of my time, there are still very strong rules which you are supposed to follow. You know the kind of things:
- Never put yourself first (in fact don’t put yourself anywhere)
- You should work as many hours as you can for a pittance and not complain (and then die)
- When not working (this should never happen but eh!), you should be cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, taking someone to an appointment or club, etc
- If you find yourself with a spare moment – there is always the dog to walk
- Never complain because there is always someone worse off than you
You get the picture. Leaving time for anything which may be the slightest bit creative (except for mending a piece of clothing) is frowned upon until you reach this mythical thing called retirement. As we all now know, there is no such thing anymore, so no creative stuff for us then!
“No, this cannot be true” I hear you cry. I agree, we have to hold on to our creative selves. Remember, it is too important to leave until you may get to enter ‘Retirement Island’. Creativity is the thing which allows us navigate around all of our Islands. But how do we do that when the pull is strong in one particular direction?
This is where I give you permission to be selfish. Selfishness is usually portrayed as a bad thing (see point one) but considering yourself is really important on several levels:
- No one really knows what you want or how you want to be treated. You are definitely the best person for this.
- If you are not well yourself, you will not serve others at all well. Although an oft used example, just think about what order they tell you to deal with the safety considerations on an aircraft. If you don’t have oxygen, how can you help anyone else?
- We tend to develop ‘Martyr Syndrome’. This is not great on any level as you will feel sorry for yourself constantly with the occasional bout of piousness thrown in. In addition, other people will become resentful of the piousness and irritated by being with someone who is always miserable.
So back to this selfishness, I am becoming more and more ruthless about planning times in my diary every day, every week in which my top priority is an activity which is not about Dementia or Manufacturing Islands. I get in my little boat and head off to OhKay Words! Island everyday. When on the island, I then have certain things which are a must like writing a journal and some kind of meditation. From there, I plan tasks to do, I have exercises to complete, courses to attend, books to read. Crucially though, when I am on the Island, I am not allowed to feel guilty I am there. This island is just as important as all of the others.
Essentially, I have given myself permission to do something which keeps my core strong and my excitement about the future burning bright. It also means I am not sad when I am on less preferable islands because I know I will be heading to my happy place soon. I sometimes get sabotaged but increasingly I have built confidence in my ability to return OhKayWords! By not chastising myself when a plan goes wrong. I just give myself permission to return to the Island later or tomorrow, I am keeping hold of writing and me in what are the very choppy waters of my life at the moment.